Walking Spanish Down the Hall…

If there is anything I’ve learned over the past ALMOST year since I’ve moved away from my home in Seattle, its this:

1. you realize that the people you THINK have been closest friends for most of you life are actually straight-up douche bags a/o flakes and you just have been gone too long to realize it until its too late (side note: this doesn’t include 99% of my Seattle friends or ANY of my Ellensburg friends. You guys all kick serious ass and always will).

2.home is where the heart is and it is certainly not in Boise. as i’ve said for years…i have known i would spend the rest of my life in Seattle. i love it. it loves me. it is my home.

3. i gave something a try. granted, i never like Boise. actually, i always had a bad taste in my mouth for it. but none-the-less, i gave it a try. at least i tried something new. stepped out of my comfort zone. gave it a shot. well, that’s mostly done now and no opportunities have leapt out at me in any shape or form. flippin’ you off Boise. S my D and say good-bye. I’m never living here ever again.

I guess that’s all I have to say. I’m up way too late and I’m angry. Deal.

L &S

Kati

I love it there.

I don’t have much to say because no one wants to hear me prattle on about the city and the awesome people I got to spend time with. So, I’ll explain it in song. This is the track listing of the mix tape I concocted after I got home. Its basically the soundtrack to my 6 day vacation movie. If you want some form of explanation of what each song means to me during this vacation and you have my phone number or email address, get ahold of me and I’ll divulge.

ODE TO SAINT FRANCIS AND THE SEXUAL CHEESE

I’ve been having two reoccurring dreams lately.

1. I keep tracing and retracing my walk from my apartment on Capitol Hill to upper Capitol Hill, Downtown Seattle, Pioneer Square, Bell Town, and Queen Anne. I see every landmark, every store face, and familiar faces that I saw every day (whether I knew them or not) on my daily jaunts. Its all so vivid that when I wake up, I think that I was really walking it. I think its my subconscious making sure I don’t forget how to get to the places I love in that city.

2. I am pulling shots. Espresso shots. PERFECT espresso shots with delicious, dark crema. I am pulling them over and over again, almost as though I am an example in a master coffee class. I’m also showing the proper espresso/milk/foam ratio in a clear glass for lattes, caps, and macchiatos (macchiatos are MARKED with foam). Ever drink has latte art, be it a rosetta or a heart. I think this dream is about me missing a huge aspect of my life. I think it also might be about my desire to open my own coffeehouse/record store.

How is Boise treating me? Well, I don’t hate it all the time, but I certainly never love it. I have made some really good friends and I have been able to sing in public again with my friend Eric. But this musical collaboration is a recent thing, and it has basically passed now because the person I’ve been singing with is moving and I feel just like I did before. Empty.

College didn’t work out. I am sorely disappointed in BSU. I should’ve expected it from the “Bronco Nation” Idaho state school. Its a really big school, at least bigger than CWU, so the staff in every department cares very little about me as a person. I thought I would be able to get back into school as an in-state student considering I’m from Idaho, still have an Idaho driver’s license, and Idaho license plate on my car, and receive mail at my parent’s home in McCall, Idaho. Apparently, none of that matters. I’m considered out of state by BSU. And I’m not even going to get started on my attempts to get into classes and figure out exactly what certificate I was going for and what department I was getting it from. Let’s just say they tried to kick me out of the ONE class I could afford to take last semester two days before the class started for ridiculous reasons. And the class was okay, but I didn’t feel like it was as organized and intellectual as a class at my alma mater would be. Thus, I am not taking classes this semester and instead, am working full time and hoping to get my TEFL certification so I can teach english overseas by the fall.

Work is interesting. I love my boss and the majority of my coworkers and I love the perks of getting jackets, sunglasses, and bikes at a serious discount. I do not love the fact that there are certain people that I work with who don’t like people who are different. Yes, apparently I am different because I’m not extreme. I don’t like to downhill ski too much, especially if its done in a dangerous manner. I don’t like downhill mountain biking if its done in a dangerous manner. I like music and going to concerts and art shows and plays. I like going to the gym when its available and hiking and snowshoeing and playing soccer. I guess that’s not extreme enough for some people. I’ve been asked why I even work there. I’ve been told that I look like Pink who’s let herself go. Wow. Thanks. I also don’t like having conspiracy theories, anti-government a/o libertarianism,  and conservative bunk thrown in my face as though I’m automatically expected to agree. I DON’T AGREE. I am a liberal. I don’t care if other people don’t agree with me and that’s why I don’t talk about it as though everyone should. I respect that other people feel differently from me politically and I think they have the right to believe what they want. But DON’T put it in my face and treat me like an inferior being because I don’t agree with you. I swear to God, I have never dealt with people like the ones I have encountered in Boise, Idaho.

Basically, I NEED A F*#$ing Vacation.

This weekend, I’m going to McCall for a weekend get-away. Next month, I’m going to San Francisco for 5 days. Stoked out of my mind to go there and see my friends. In March and May I plan on going to Ellensburg and Seattle. I may go to Portland in May though. We’ll see. Summer will probably be in McCall again. I love McCall summers. And by fall, I will be in Europe, God willing.

Yes, that’s right! Its that time of year where I do lists.

Top 5 Countries I want to live in next year:

1.Italy

2. Turkey

3. France

4.Spain

5. Czech Republic

Top 5 Bands I adore right now:

1. Frightened Rabbit

2.Gogal Bordello

3. Devotcha

4.Dangers

5.Broadcast

Top 5 U.S. Cities I want to Live for a Year or more after returning from Europe:

1. Bellingham, WA

2. NYC, NY

3. San Francisco, CA

4. Boston, MA

5. Newport, OR

Top 5 Band names for my imaginary (yet possible) band:

1. Vitruvian

2. Je ne sais quoi.

3. Arias for Arrows

4. Mediocrity Squawks

5. Through the Blinds

Top 5 Things I like to do in Boise:

1. Drink coffee at the Flying M ( ONLY DECENT COFFEE IN THE CITY)

2. Go shopping downtown, even though I’m broke

3. Stoop it  on my front stoop.

4. Go to concerts

5. Listen to records in my room.

Top 5 Things I wish I could do in Boise:

1. Hang out with all of my friends  from Washington

2. Talk about my political beliefs openly

3. Go out to eat for dirt cheap

4. Make new friends

5. Make more money

I wrote this song a couple of nights ago…

I actually took half of the lyrics from a poem that I tried to turn into a song at the end of my sophmore year of college when I was getting guitar lessons from my then-crush and fellow Music Business major, Josh Schroeder.
I imagined a girl sitting in Piccadilly Circus in London at the fountain of Arteros, the Greek god of reflective and mature love, with the neon signs lighting up in the rain. And with all this industrial and historical beauty surrounding her, she can’t help thinking of someone she loved that she left behind for her own selfish reasons, because it was something she had to do. And doing so was the right thing, even though the pain runs deep. Because of the nature of the song and the god chosen for this particular fountain, I felt that the locale was perfect for the song.
I think I’ve come a little bit further in my guitar chords now, and I feel like with a little bit more work, this song could really blossom. If I continue to write stuff that I am proud of like this, then I will go to Vancouver, WA and record at Ripchord Studio with Patrick Tetreault and put out my first EP. Here are the lyrics to the first song that I’ve been proud of in ages…

Verse 1
Flashes of neon pinks
and blues display the wants and needs
of London
I sit at the fountain
the water on my sandaled feet
Love, abandoned

Chorus
But then I think of you
Could we still be friends?
Well its over as the red bus blurs
With the smoke of a lighted cigarette
And it begins to rain

Verse 2
I don’t profess to know
the meaning of my
lack of hope
But if I did
I’d take back all those things I said

Chorus 1x

Bridge
Would you have me say
My love is like an ocean
or a river or a stream?
Its more like a pond
stagnant and receding…

Verse 3
These stone streets
they hurt my feet
and my heart
The longer I’m here
the more I realize
we’re apart

Chorus 1x

What has happened in the last few months…

I have moved back to Idaho. I’ve been living in McCall all summer and working at a outdoor sports store called Home Town Sports. Being that I am very blessed, I was offered the job before I moved to Idaho, so unlike so many, I am employed.

Unfortunately, I haven’t had the time to camp or do much hiking because I have been working full time, house sitting for various families in the valley and going to Boise looking for houses. I haven’t gotten tan either, but I think I would have to work REALLY hard on being out in the sun all the time in order for my mayo colored skin to turn brown.

Mallory Haynes, her sister, and me have found a gorgeous house on the nicest street in the nicest neighborhood in Boise. Its a three bedroom charmer with rose bushes lining the front walkway, built-ins and hard wood floors, and a giant back yard that’s perfect for doggies and bbqs. I moved in yesterday, but will be permanently residing there as of next Tuesday.

I have been lucky enough to reconnect with old friends. I have experienced my first boat ride on Cascade Lake, which is something I swore I would never do because its not a real lake. I was pleasantly surprised at how beautiful the scenery was, so I guess I was wrong about disliking it. I have learned more about feet and shoes than I ever though possible,thanks to my work. It has really helped me out with a lot of my foot trouble. I am officially a part of the Bronco Nation, whether I want to be or not. Hahaha. I am getting my teaching certificate in Music Education and a minor in Latin Language and Literature (yes, as in the dead language).

I never thought I would end up back in Idaho. I actually never thought I would come back to Idaho at all at one point because I spent my whole life trying to figure out how I was going to get out. I think I realized how beautiful McCall, and even Boise, is and how wonderful my upbringing was.

I was talking with a fellow Idahoan and Seattle transplant, Matt Braun, today over brunch and we agree that people from Idaho are wonderful and sane and that the lifestyle in Idaho is so much more laid-back and normal than Seattle. Not to say that I don’t miss things or people in Seattle, but I really feel at peace in Idaho. I’m happy for the first time in a long time.

I will be a busy bee in Boise, between school and work and taking care of a household (fo’ real, this place is gorgeous and deserves constant upkeep), I have resigned to the fact that I need to focus on my goals completely, without distraction. I also plan on auditioning for local theater productions and trying to do some live music stuff as well, as long as I have time.

I will try and keep this updated more often. No more neglecting my website.

take care.

I walk down an alley.

I walk down and alley full of dog shit and graffiti and dumpsters and a chimney that I always think is a person on top of the roof of the gay bar.

It is quiet.

IT IS QUIET.

All I hear are my footsteps against the dry blacktop and my shallow breaths.

I look up into the night sky and I don’t see any stars.

I look out onto the street and I don’t see any people.

I see a broken bottle.

My feet hurt. I have foot problems.

I’m too young for problems.

I’m too young for this; all of this.

Can anyone hear me screaming?

Can you hear me singing?

Can you hear my shallow breaths?

Saints and popes and icons and idols and black and white and red.

Strings.

Shoelaces.

My feet hurt.

I go down the hallway that smells like fresh paint and new carpet and centuries of mildew built up in the walls.

I’m home.

I’m home and my feet hurt.

Let’s see, what has happened in the past week or so…

I have a job! I now work for Stella Coffee on 1st and University. The owners/operators are amazing people who have really taken me under their wing and I love them. They are currently working on the back half of the space to become a beer and wine bar that I will eventually be booking shows for and performing at as well. Its a good thing this happened, otherwise I would be in Boise, Idaho at this very moment, looking for a place to live.
I feel like I have surrounded myself with good people who care as much about me as I do about them. I was encompassed by the constant negativity in my life over the past two years, that I started to actually feel as shitty as I was basically being told that I should. I didn’t deserve that. And I don’t tolerate anything like that anymore.
All I need to focus on now is my job and my music. The music might take a little time, but the job is going really well already. I encourage everyone to stop by and say hi and I’ll make them a Roman cappuccino.

Oh, I finally went to the Honey Hole for the first time today. I had a GREAT sandwich and will definitely be back there again.
Did laundry and the dryers weren’t broken, so that was a plus. I need to get out of this building.

Here’s a little list of my favorite things at this very moment:
1. a Stella Roman cappuccino
2. walking to work every morning
3. sun dresses (COME ON, SPRING!)
4. records and record players
5. FRESH Strawberry Flowers eau de parfum
6. speaking French/ learning Italian at work
7. using Vanilla and Jasmine baby powder as deodorant
8. chard
9. vintage cowboy boots
10. doggies (I want one so bad!)

I’m kind of in a bummer mood tonight. Its easy to explain but difficult to process. So I would rather talk about what I’m listening to right now.

Tom Wait’s music has an incredible impact on me. At this very moment, my little heart is ready to explode with emotion because I’m listening to a song called “Who Are You” from his 1992 album THE BONE MACHINE:

“They’re lining up
To mad dog your tilta whirl
3 shots for a dollar
Win a real live doll
All the lies that you tell
I believed them so well. Take them back
Take them back to your red house
For that fearful leap into the dark
I did my time
In the jail of your arms
Now Ophelia wants to know
Where she should turn
Tell me…what did you do
What did you do the last time?
Why don’t you do that
Go on ahead and take this the wrong way
Time’s not your friend
Do you cry. Do you pray
Do you wish them away
Do you still leave nothing
But bones in the way
Did you bury the carnival
Lions and all
Excuse me while I sharpen my nails
And just who are you this time?
You look rather tired
(Who drinks from your shoe)
Are you pretending to love
Well I hear that it pays well
How do your pistol and your Bible and your
Sleeping pills go?
Are you still jumping out of windows in expensive clothes?

Well I fell in love
With your sailor’s mouth and your wounded eyes
You better get down on the floor
Don’t you know this is war
Tell me who are you this time?
Tell me who are you this time?”

Hmmm.
Its pretty amazing and pretty sad and VERY beautiful in a tragic way. This song is my mood.

PS: For those who have been curious about where I got the title of my blog site: the words are lyrics from the song “Walking Spanish” from his album RAIN DOGS.

so this is the new year.
and i don’t feel any different.
the clanking of crystal
explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

so everybody put your best suit or dress on
let’s make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one

i wish the world was flat like the old days
then i could travel just by folding a map
no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
there’d be no distance that can hold us back.

there’d be no distance that could hold us back

so this is the new year.

-Deathcab for Cutie: “Transatlanticism”

I spent today talking with my friend Annie about our personal issues with self-proclaimed failure in life, body image issues, and the innermost desire for marriage and children. I know, this is a lot of serious, sort of depressing crap to talk about, but we are at points in our lives where everything seems to have a big “WTF” attached to it.

I know I’m going to start by making some lists.

I might post them up on here. I might not. But they are lists about my life and what I want and how I plan to achieve them. I wander in the tangled mire right now where I don’t know which is end is up and every corner I turn seems to greet me with a brick wall.

I panic.

This panic has caused me to have a series of panic attacks.

If I don’t do something now, I’ll be stuck like this forever, I say to myself.

So, this is the new year. 2009. This is the year where I need to try something new. If I don’t take risks now, I’ll never get to do the things I’ve spent my entire life dreaming about.

Its time to do something.

There’ll be no distance that can hold us(ME) back.